One time, sitting in my dear coffeeshop, a lovely older man in a salmon cable-knit sweater came up to me.

“Excuse me,” he said, “can you help me set up a Facebook?”

What an adorable request, older man. I was happy to oblige, and, once we had finished, he friended me.

We kept up a little correspondence. I found out that he was in DC visiting his parents from Australia. He had a cute Jack Russell Terrier named Gracie.

And then he shared something special with me. Something fabulous.

He played Friedrich in the original version of The Sound of Music.

That was his superduper claim to fame, but he had also had a cameo as a hunk on The Brady Bunch and starred in a Spiderman series in the 70s.

As soon as I found this out, I was in love. I accepted every lunch date Friedrich-Spiderman offered me. He even came and hung out with me on my parents’ front porch (which is totally weird, in retrospect). He was a huge Francophile, and we went out for lots of lunches at French bistros.

I thought he was just a sweet older man who liked the company of a smart, pretty girl. Who wouldn’t, after all? Soon, I realized that there was a little more there. He would tell me about the younger actresses he slept with while directing plays in Sydney. He offered to take me to Paris for a week. Ok, I thought. I might be willing to be the mistress of a (much) older man, in order to spend a week in Paris. I could be down with that. Especially if he would buy me lots of beautiful Parisian clothes. I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider it. Hard.

Then, one night, when we were on the phone, he told me he masturbated to me.

Whoa. Whoa. Ok. Whoa.

After that, Friedrich-Spiderman and I grew apart. We were still Facebook friends for a while, but we talked less and less frequently. Yesterday, when pruning my Facebook friendships, I finally de-friended him. Adieu, dear Friedrich-Spiderman. Live long and prosper.