In high school, I dated a guy who was really into musical theater. He was a rebound from my first high school boyfriend, who had been my first love. I was completely heartbroken when we broke up, and the following fall, I started dating pretty much the first guy I saw.

He was seriously awful. He used a lot of Axe Bodyspray. He used to wake me up to pressure me into having sex with him. After four months of dating, I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand him. Unfortunately, I stupidly kept sleeping with him, and, that summer, I finally ended things. When I did, he dramatically ran after my car and threw a can of Axe at it.

Now, time for my confession.

This is a little bit of a revenge post. A year or so ago, I was stalking him online. I saw that he had posted some standup on Youtube.

Ok, I thought, maybe he had grown up. Maybe he was actually funny now.

I decided to give him a chance. I started watching. The standup was pretty cringeworthy. It was all about sex, which I tend to see as the lowest common denominator of comedy. Sex is easy to talk about and easily gets laughs. Lame. And this sex comedy quickly turned to shitting on his old girlfriends. And then it came to me.

Out of fourteen parts of the standup, seven – NO LESS THAN HALF!!! – were about me, and how much of a bitch I was, and how I made him feel really bad because I was mean to him in bed. Which I probably was. I was 17 years old, and I know that I’m a bitch.

The best part was the segment where he talked about meeting up with me after I had left college my first year. He knew my whole story – basically, that a lot of bad shit happened to me, and I was going through some rough mental health issues. In his standup, he mentioned that he felt great about himself knowing that I had dropped out of school. It was nice, he said, to know that you were “intellectually, emotionally, and vocally” better off than an ex.

Classy. Very classy. I’m glad he threw the “vocally” in there, too. It really just turned the knife to know that he felt like he sang better than I did. Man. Ouch.

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