On my OK Cupid profile, I explicitly say that I’m quirky, and that I’m looking for someone quirky. I talk about my various quirky interests. So I’m always surprised when I get messaged by total normies.

This man seemed fairly quirky, just judging by the three pictures (all selfies) that he had posted. I don’t know why. His hair looked funky. Clearly I was extremely off. But we’ve already established that my judgment is really poor when it comes to men on the internet.

My usual OK Cupid philosophy is that I will meet up with just about anyone who is willing to come to my neighborhood and buy me drinks. It’s a really low risk proposition for me. I walk two blocks, get drunk, have a conversation with a new person, and then go right home without spending any money.

This guy met me outside my neighborhood bar. At first glance, I knew it was going to be bad. The haircut that I had read as funky was actually a military crew cut. And he was wearing a blue sweatshirt that said “Abercrombie and Fitch” across the front. There is nothing more normie than Abercrombie and Fitch, let alone Abercrombie and Fitch combined with the military.

The first thing he said, after hello, was that he needed to go buy a lottery ticket, because Powerball was way high that night. I told him that was ok, as long as he bought me an apartment in New York with his winnings. So we went to my lovely neighborhood liquor store and he bought ten (TEN!!!) lottery tickets. He had picked out his numbers already. He offered to let me pick the numbers for one, and then told me that my number picks were shitty. Classy.

While he was picking out lottery tickets, I bought cheap chocolates and a candle from a kid selling stuff for what I thought was a boys’ and girls’ club. I love supporting those kids who raise money for something good by selling things. I respect the entrepreneurial spirit. It later turned out that they were actually raising money for a trip to Atlantic City. Oops.

Anyway, after we had bought some lottery tickets, we moved on to my neighborhood bar. We started talking, and it turned out that he was indeed in the military, and stationed somewhere in Virginia. The military is a tough subject for me. I know we are supposed to respect our troops, but I really resent the undying respect a good American is supposed to have for the military. The military spends an exorbitant amount of money, and it’s not negotiable. In the zero-sum game of the national budget, it takes funding away from education and entitlements. Members of the military get automatic respect and a ton of money, while teachers, firefighters, and the like get no money and only moderate social respect. The culture of the military is really ugly, sexist, and uniform. The only way it works is by brainwashing people into killing and mindlessly following orders. It’s disgusting to me.

Ok. Enough of that rant. He talked about how much money he made in the military (something like a hundred dollars a day, plus they paid his rent. That comes out to over 36,000 a year, with no rent expenses. Rent would probably make it more like 50 grand). He had spent some time deployed in Afghanistan or Iraq. He had spent most of his time somewhere in Florida, drinking two dollar beers and sitting by a pool. Tough life.

Anyway, we really, really had nothing in common. I’m a little Jewish girl who has lived in cities her whole life and gotten way too much education. I like vintage clothing and I like to sit and read contemporary fiction. I don’t even know what he liked. Beer? Football? He did not understand my lifestyle or worldview, and I didn’t understand his. It was pretty painful.

So I went for my usual strategy, which is to be difficult and contrarian enough to completely repel him. Unfortunately, some men are extremely attracted to a difficult woman who will argue with them. I guess that’s to their credit. He was one of those men, and was seriously digging it. I tried.

We parted ways eventually, and I walked home. Over the next few days, he texted me several times. I eventually told him that my heart was broken because my boyfriend slept with my sister, and I couldn’t even think about sustaining a relationship. In other words, I tried to scare him away with crazy. It didn’t work. He told me that he was happy to just listen to me and be there for me. Which I know is kind of sweet. Ultimately, I think I had to be mean and told him that I would never in a million years be interested in him. I don’t remember how it got to that, but I think I had tried to say “No, thanks” several times.

God bless our military. The end.

Advertisements