I’ve been thinking lately about my crippled relationships with men. I’ve just felt lazy about meeting people – because, either I meet people I’m not interested in, or I’m interested, but they are not interested in any sort of serious relationship. The whole charade is very discouraging and frustrating.

It just seems so much easier to be devoted to my dog. I know that I can never be fulfilled completely living the rest of my life surrounded only by dogs. I’d like to get married. I’d like to have kids. But dogs are sweet and loving. And they can communicate their needs clearly, even without language. Dogs don’t play games or fuck with you or judge you for being a super fucking weirdo. Buckley curls up next to me in bed and licks my arm. I give him the tuna juice from the can when I make tuna salad – and he knows the sound that the can opener and the tuna can make together. He sits and licks his sweet little puppy lips when I pull a treat from our treat drawer. His mouth waters. It makes my heart swell every time I give him food. And I can sing songs to him and break out in silly dances and he just looks like me like I’m crazy, and then licks my face. He loves me. We have intimacy, and depth, and great love.

And it’s been so long since I’ve met a man who was remotely as fulfilling as my dog.

Will I ever meet a human who makes me feel happy and content the way Buckley does? Will a man ever be as comforting? Will he ever convince me to trust and draw comfort from him?

It’s been two and a half years since anything even close to that has happened. I’d like to believe it’s still possible. But, as it is, I’d rather stay home with Buckley and watch Rock of Love than go on a date with a cute stranger. So maybe I’m stuck as a crazy dog lady forever. I’m both terrified of and comforted by that. I’d love to have a functional relationship with a human. I’d love to have a family of humans. But, at the same time, having a dog to cuddle with feels so safe. I mean, it is safer. Buckley will never cause me serious harm – he might chew the buttons off my cardigans, but nothing more than that. My dog will never leave me, or judge me, or hate me. He will just die too early, and break my heart that way.

Hopefully, one day I can find a man I love and trust as much as I do my dog. But, who knows. We’ll see. For now, I’ll just love my sweet, crazy puppy. I’ll cultivate our bizarre relationship, and give him all the tuna juice he could ever want.

Advertisements