I’d been texting with this guy from OKCupid for a few days. At the beginning of our text conversation, we had discussed what we were both looking for. We agreed that we liked monogamy. We agreed that we weren’t looking for casual hook-ups. Seemed to be on the same page.

So, then, we texted for a while. It was nice and clever and flirty. We were getting along well.

And then.

He started off a thing that sounded a lot like the usual “Well, I’m not really looking for anything serious, but….”

Turned out he had never been in a relationship longer than 5 months. He was 34.

And he was like, “Well, I don’t know why you’d write off something short term with me.”

Um, because I’m not looking for something short term? And I explicitly told you that?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with something casual. I’ve done it. I just don’t want that right now. If I’m gonna be with someone, I’d like to be with someone. And, frankly, I’ve found that so many men are horrible to women they’re sleeping with, whereas they’re not that way with women they’re “actually dating.” That’s its own shitty issue. But I’ve learned my lesson, and decided to be effective, even if it’s not what I think the world should be like.

I messaged a friend to ask if I was feeling hurt for no reason. And he told me that he thought the guy was being a dick.

But what’s so absurd is just how often that happens. How often men are comfortable telling you, basically, “I want to sleep with you for a few weeks, but I don’t want to make any commitment or feel any responsibility toward you or your well-being.”

And how is that okay? Why is that a reasonable thing?

Recently there was an article in New York magazine about how consensual sex can still be disrespectful and bad. I don’t love the whole thing, but I thought the major point was right on. That men frankly disrespect women’s needs, and women in the third wave of feminism have allowed “sex-positive” to mean that they accept too much bad sex. And that men get to this point of, “Well, she’s having sex with other people – so she should be having sex with me.”

I’ve had a lot of bad sex with men who don’t necessarily care about my pleasure, or dates with men who expect me to sleep with them because we went out. There are men who are totally cool with expressing that they literally do not give one shit about me except for something “short term” or “casual” – which is acceptable, but I frankly think it shouldn’t be so acceptable.

I’m all for women owning their sexuality. In fact, I think it’s essential. But I also have encountered so many men who are put off by women who express sexuality or sexual desires. So, they want to fuck us – but they also don’t want to hear much or think much about what we actually want. And I think this phenomenon is way too common.

There is very, very much a phenomenon of men who don’t respect women who are actually willing to sleep with them. It is so absurd – but the Madonna/Whore dichotomy is way more alive and thriving than I would ever have expected for 2015. Men want to sleep with women on the first date, but they don’t actually want anything serious with those women. Because, I mean, who can respect a woman who fucks you on the first date? Even if you explicitly asked for it? And she was into the idea, because she likes sex, too?

Obviously, there are kind, gentle, considerate guys out there. But, if my experience counts for anything (and it’s pretty damn extensive), there are also a ton of guys who may not be explicitly horrible, may not be rapists, but are not respectful of women as human beings, either.

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