As my dear readers have probably assumed, I haven’t been posting much over the past several months because I was dating someone. He was a very kind man with a sophisticated understanding of consent and a deep love for free-range bacon; he convinced me to get a dog trainer and gave me a referral to a wonderful dentist. Unfortunately, this very kind man with a sophisticated understanding of consent realized, after four months, that he was too emotionally crippled to be capable of feeling feelings.

I’m not even being bitter. That’s what he told me. He couldn’t do feelings.

In other words, I was dumped. I’ve never been dumped before. I usually do the dumping. It was a fresh, new experience that wasn’t great, but also not as bad as I had expected. Maybe because the relationship had been so anti-feelings in the first place.

So, that’s the bad news. Although it’s also kind of good news, because I don’t need that emotionally distant shit in my life.

The really good news is that I’m back on the market. I updated my OKCupid profile. I’ve downloaded Tinder and been swiping non-stop. Once again, I am down in the trenches, sifting through the scum of New York City to find deep, beautiful, everlasting love.

Last time I was single, I mostly wound up on listless dates with men who tried to tell me that Orlando was pretty much just like Brooklyn, or really boring librarians. I’m hoping for more good, juicy drama this time around. After all, if I’m gonna go on a bad date, I’d rather it was really bad, and not just mediocre.

At least then I get a quality blog post from it.

It’s good for the Eliza Hecht brand.