The night after I invented the Horsegirl, I got another message from the thing.

“What do you do for work?” it asked.

I decided that, this night, the tactic would be “needy and creepy.” So I responded.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.01 PM

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.06 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.15 PM

It was entirely unfazed.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.22 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.36 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.44 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.50.55 PM


I think I responded with “Sure.” But then I moved on. Mission Needy and Creepy had to continue.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.51.02 PM

Being missed by a complete stranger it had never met? No response. Needed to be creepier.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.51.09 PM

Fantasizing about your scent? Nothing.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.51.18 PM

Naw. I wasn’t going there. So I just ignored the invite, and moved on.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.51.25 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.51.34 PM

“Virile” is one of my favorite words, for the record. That and “fecund.” Kinda ew.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.51.47 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.52.00 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.52.08 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.52.18 PM

UGH! Playing really, really stupid? NOTHING! How about admitting to lies?


Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.52.38 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.52.45 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.52.54 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.53.03 PM

And then I got the line I had been waiting for. The line that signaled complete defeat, on the part of the thing. It loved Erin the Horsegirl. It understood that she was only going to talk about horses. And it was on board.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.53.11 PM

I like to read this with a tone of resignation. “I know,” he sighed, swirling his glass of whiskey. “You really like horses.”

And then one more beautiful, beautiful exchange.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.53.15 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.53.24 PM

“I understand, and I agree.”

It doesn’t understand. It certainly doesn’t agree. It can’t, possibly, because I’m being totally stupid. What do you mean “I don’t believe in mythical creatures”? That means nothing! But it wants so badly to get on Erin’s good side that it will concede anything, at this point.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.53.29 PM

“So, do you want to do something sometime?” I asked. I had to seal the deal before our conversation could be over.

“Hell yeah!” the thing replied.

It was actually excited about meeting the most socially crippled, weirdo horsegirl. Every time I tried to make it too weird, every time I took it what I thought was a step too far, the thing kept up.

I had done it. I had broken it. And that meant my mission was complete. I was ready to be done. I told the thing I was going to sleep, and signed off.